Final Fantasy VII Very Secret Livejournals
by eilie277
Summary: The main characters of Final Fantasy VII decide to get Livejournals, like all the cool kids. A mostly tasteless look at the game’s events through their Livejournal posts.
1. Chapter One: Aeris

**Final Fantasy VII Very Secret Livejournals**

**Chapter One- Aeris**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. Final Fantasy VII belongs to Square Enix; the concept belongs jointly to Cassandra Claire and Arrmaitee, whom I am shamefully ripping off.

**Author's Note: **This is... not exactly a repost. A very, very long time ago, I posted a story with a very similar concept; however, this is, apart from the concept, completely different. I like to think it's much better. (If you read the old version and would like to respectfully disagree, I welcome and squee over all constructive criticism.) I would warn for rampant OOCness, but, well, it's a _Very Secret Livejournal_ fic, and what do you _expect_?

---

**POST 1: **Um, okay, the world just exploded, and **ow**. Bloody Shinra grunts! I hope you get karmically annihilated for knocking down an innocent flowergirl! I'm half-Cetra, you know! I have MAG 33!

**Current Mood: **disgruntled.

_Comment: You all right?_

_-Cloud_

**Reply: **Of course I'm not all right, I have dirt in my hair, and it's icky, and I didn't even catch their names so I can't call my lawyer about it and my _dress_, it's all dirty, and my flowers are everywhere, and _I want compensation_--

I mean, you look just like my old boyfriend! Have a lifetime discount on my flowers!

**-Aeris**

_Comment: Um, thanks._

_-Cloud_

_--- _

**POST 2:** That spikeyhaired boyfriend lookalike from yesterday just nearly fell _on top of me_! What is he, _cursed_? If he is then I'm revoking his discount.

Or maybe it's just destiny! -squees-

Although he'd be _way_ less creepy-looking if it were destiny. Also, would he _really _meet me for the first time when my hair and dress were all dirty, if it were destiny? I think _not_.

So he must be cursed. Which is kind of awful, and I _really _don't want to be around him if he is, and d'you think he'd take the hint if I moved to Costa Del Sol?

**Current Mood: **slightly terrified.

_Comment: Ow._

_-Cloud_

**Reply:** I mean, I really like the idea of going to Costa Del Sol, I heard they have a great bar there, and at least it'd make sure that crazy cursed guys with _creepy eyes_ ohfuck he's _staring_ at me...

wibbles

**-Aeris**

_Comment: I'm kind of in pain here..._

_-Cloud_

**Reply: **BACK, you pervy boyfriend imitator! I have MAG 37! And a stick!

...however, I will grudgingly help you, because a Turk is standing _right there_ and he's _being menacing_!

_Comment: -menaces-_

_-Reno_

_--- _

**POST 3: **Why is he getting so _enthusiastic_ about this transvestism thing? It's a mission, not a sex game!

Oh. Fuck. This is the ex-boyfriend imitation thing again, isn't it? God, I bet he did _research_- this is _creepy_- any moment now he'll come out of the Honeybee Inn and carry me off someplace and kill me and I'll trust him _completely_ because he looks exactly like my ex-boyfriend!

And he has a _sword_, and it's all very scary, and seriously what is _with_ this transvestism business?

**Current Mood: **disturbed.

_Comment: -strolls out of the inn, wearing makeup and carrying lingerie- What do you mean, enthusiastic?_

_-Cloud_

**Reply:** Eep-- I mean, what _is_ that?

Are you wearing makeup?

**-Aeris**

_Comment: Maybe._

_It's all for the good of the mission._

_-preens subtly-_

_-Cloud_

_--- _

**POST 4: **_Fuck._

**Current Mood: **captured.

_Comment: You're wearing a pink dress. And you hit people with sticks. And your limit breaks involve healing people. And you're the last survivor of a mythical race._

_What did you expect- _security?

_-2389527 gamers_

**Reply: -**breaks-

**-Fourth Wall**

**--- **

**POST 5: **There is a _large brutal-looking cat thingy_ in my cage and this is _not good for me_, I am _highly-strung_, how the _fuck_ is this morally justifiable, and it has _claws_ and _teeth_, you are not getting the terrifyingness of its claws and teeth here, this is _not good for me_!

When I get out of here and my lawyer gets round to answering my calls, I am _so_ suing the hell out of Shinra, but first I have to get out of here and it is looking at me, stop _looking_ at me!

**Current Mood: **whatthefuckdoyou_think_?

_Comment: -stands there heroically-_

_-Cloud_

**Reply: **Ooh! Cloud! _Do something!_

**-Aeris**

**--- **

**POST 6**: _Finally_ reached Costa del Sol! I've decided that Cloud appears v. heroic in certain lights, and also I'm curious to see if the things they say are true. You know, about guys with an excess of sword.

Yuffie muttered something about how Tifa and I are just in denial, and so is Cloud if he thinks it's going to work out with _anyone _who has a vagina, but her head was _obviously and completely _clouded by seasickness and so I happily ignored everything she said!

**Current Mood: **complacent.

_Comment: Well, all I can say is that if you break out of your predefined role of the damsel who suffers an early death and manage to ever consummate a dysfunctional relationship with Cloud that leads to a life of empty, unsatisfying sex and a lack of money because he's spending it all on pretty boys, don't blame me. 'Sides, I s'pose you'll always have the love of a minor villain._

_Unless he dies too._

_-Yuffie_

**Reply:** Nobody is going to die!

_Especially _not me!

**-Aeris**

**--- **

**POST 7: **I haven't updated for ages! Well, anyway! -prays-

**Current Mood: **religious fundamentalist-y

_Comment: -stabs-_

_-Sephiroth_

**Reply: **-dies-

**-Aeris**

**--- **

**POST 8:** Being corporeally challenged is _fantastic_! I have legions of admiring fans! And people keep writing stories about me! And they all want me to fall in love with Cloud and live happily ever after- well, _nearly _all of them! My disembodied soul thrills at the sight!

And as for the nonbelievers, well, I shall just have to convert them!

Let's see... 'The rare resurrection materia lifted Aeris out of the water completely un-rotted and uneaten by various types of fish, thank you very much, and into her one true love's arms. "Oh, Cloud!" she sighed in a pure, non-orgasmic way as his rippling muscles wrapped themselves around her...'

**Current Mood: **excessively pleased with self. and, admittedly, dead.

_Comment: Aeris? You're... still here?_

_And writing fiction comparable with many, many published novels, I see._

_-Tifa_

**Reply: **Ooh, Tifa! You should _see _it here! People keep saying _you _should get together with Cloud, which I thought was _silly_, because clearly Cloud and I were destined to be together! (I keep _telling _them so, but they keep restricting my posting access!)

I knew it all along! _Destined!_

Did I ever tell you about my funky cloud-shaped birthmark?

**-Aeris**

**--- **

**POST 9:** Eee, my latest seventeen Cloris fics have been posted! I shall be crowned the Fluff Queen of Fanfiction at this rate!

I hacked seventeen Cloti messageboards earlier! I still don't know why people _like_ that pairing! Still, I'm sure they'll come round to my way of thinking now that their messageboards are down!

Ooh, there's another fic about me up! Am sure it must be Cloris- after all, who _else_ could they pair me with?

**Current Mood: **dead, but gleefully so.

---

**Five minutes later...**

**POST 10:** They think I'm doing_ what _with Sephiroth?

**Current Mood:** appalled. and dead.

_Comment: Eww. And ick. And eww._

_-Yuffie_

_--- _

**POST 11: **Gah! Cloud should be _my_ invalid boyfriend! I should be the one nursing him back to full health! Oh, sure, discriminate against the dead girl, forget she even _exists_, why don't you, this is _completely unfair_, just because I'm dimensionally challenged I'm not allowed to take care of my darling Cloud! What happened to the eternal OTP, I ask?

_Comment: Uh... aaa...?_

_-Cloud_

**Reply: **Um, actually, Tifa can have you.

**-Aeris**

_Comment: Aa... gurk..._

_-Cloud_

_--- _

**POST 12: **OMGWTF! That bitch _implicitly slept with _Cloud! What about _me_? I used to _paint her nails_, and this is the thanks I get? I am _so_ going to libellously edit her Wiki article, and _see if I don't_!

Ugh! I thought we were friends! And Cloud! How could you?

**Current Mood:** irately dead.

_Comment: But you're dead! And, well, the game _is_ only rated 11+. It's not really about the necrophilia._

_-Tifa_

**Reply: Bitch**. It is _all_ about the necrophilia!

**-Aeris**

_Comment: But I thought we were never going to give in to those persistent fandomers who keep labelling us as archnemeses despite our abiding friendship and femmeslashy subtext!_

_-Tifa_

**Reply: **I hope you get pushed off a cliff.

Ooh, plotbunny!

**-Aeris**

**--- **

**One hour later...**

**Post 13: **Hah! I posted five Tifa deathfics under different pennames! Revenge! Glory! _Reviews!_

**Current Mood: **preeningly dead.

_Comments: None_.

**Reply: **Anyone want to praise me for my originality?

_Comments: None_.

**Reply: **I don't mind constructive criticism!

_Comments: None_.

**Reply: **Cloud?

_Comments: None_.

**Reply: **Yuffie?

_Comments: None_.

**Reply: **Cait Sith?

_Comments: None_.

**Reply: **Have you saved the world already?

_Comments: None_.

**Reply: **I don't mind that you didn't tell me!

_Comments: None_.

**Reply: **...oh, fuck it, I'm going to go flame some CloTi fangirl.

END.

**Author's Note: **I'm planning to cover most, if not all, of the main and supporting cast of FFVII. Feel free to ask for cameos from minor characters, though they probably won't appear till the last chapter or two. Concrit, as mentioned above, is all good. Also: I'm aware that there are huge, horrible, gaping gaps in the plot here. That's mostly because I wanted to cover the events from the perspective of other characters, since Aeris isn't a key character in these events, and I didn't want each chapter to repeat the events of all the previous ones.

Also, I'm lazy. Sue me.


	2. Chapter Two: Cloud

**Final Fantasy VII Very Secret Livejournals**

Chapter Two- Cloud 

**Disclaimer: **Again, don't own- characters belong to Square Enix, concept to both Cassandra Claire and Arrmaitee

**Author's Note: **Well, here's the second chapter, after a ridiculously long wait. I'm actually very iffy about this chapter, but a couple of reviews I received finally pushed me to post it, whatever the reception. As mentioned in the first chapter, I love getting serious concrit, and knowing what parts worked for you and what parts didn't, as well as regular feedback.

---

**Post 1: **Currently on mercenary job, where all colleagues seem insane. Wanton death and destruction was not part of plan; should have listened more carefully when Tifa told me it was a 'hands-on job for someone experienced and agile', but was too busy fantasising. (About Tifa. Clearly.)

Whenever I look up from manly admiration of Barret's fighting skills, am confronted with constant lectures re: suffering of poor. Do not care about poor. Care about ruined fingernails. Will never make it with Tifa at this rate.

Hope my clothes will stay clean while messing around with bombs.

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: You know, if you don't like this sort of 'hands-on' job, I could get you one a lot more, heh, _appropriate _for someone like you._

_-Wedge_

**Reply: **Are you suggesting _unmanly things?_ Because I'm very manly, you know. I have a very manly lineage.

And a very manly weapon.

-Cloud, who is manly

---

**Post 2: **Ugh. Manfully sacrificed self for teammates, and my clothes were ruined. Disgraceful. Next time clearly Barret's turn, as he's unlikely to ever get any with Tifa anyway.

Also have feeling that my mascara has gone everywhere.

(Am slightly more worried about my mascara than getting any with Tifa, but is probably unmanly to say so.)

Met some girl called Aeris, who mentioned meeting me before. Don't remember; she was probably some slum drunk. Had to save her life by throwing barrels around, which am clearly unsuited to, as am far too refined. Still, completed my duty. (Manfully.)

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: You missed completely with two barrels, and hit _me_ with the third!_

_And I am _not_ a slum drunk! That was only once! A very long time ago! On my _birthday!

_When my lawyer answers my calls, I am _so_ suing you for libel!_

_-Aeris_

---

**Post 3: **Aeris decided I should dress up as a girl. Reluctantly but manfully agreed, as wearing women's clothes will clearly prove how secure I am re: heterosexuality. Also needed to save Tifa.

Got into Honeybee Inn, where all women were wearing shamefully little. Averted eyes in gentlemanly way, but felt it was my duty to consider bodies of Mukki and others. After all, must cultivate excellent body if Tifa is ever to sleep with me. Should have asked him how he managed such a taut, muscular physique, but for some reason couldn't get the words out.

Some girl gave me a makeover without asking. Mascara once again ruined. Clearly, if a man wants a job done properly, he must do it himself.

Successfully persuaded Corneo I was female, which proves how secure I am. However, Tifa and Aeris burst in just as I was about to kiss him as part of my plan. Maintain that I could have got more information if left to own devices.

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: Say, Cloud, you know what would _really_ prove how secure you are with your heterosexuality?_

_-Tifa_

**Reply: **I know, but I just don't think I can carry a bigger one.

-Cloud

---

**Post 4: **Aeris was captured; am therefore on a manly rescue mission to save her from horrors of Shinra. (Have considered possibility of post-rescue sex, but feel it would be unmanly to take advantage. Also, would not like her to see that I have taken to wearing bikini briefs full-time. She might not understand the true, manly reasons.)

Barret still set on pointless violence. He demanded that we storm into Shinra, but as I have no need for violence to prove my manliness, we took the stairs instead.

Still fainted at the seventeenth floor, but at least my hair isn't ruined for once.

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: You took the stairs? When I was probably dying or _dead? _The _stairs?_ How the _fuck_ did you justify that? There's no _way_ you're getting any now!_

_Possibly ever!_

_I'm calling my lawyer!_

_Again!_

_And the bikini briefs make your legs look fat!_

_-Aeris_

---

**Post 5: **Rescued Aeris, but have decided to wait several months before trying to get any; after all, she could v. easily be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Would be unmanly to exacerbate that.

Have been chosen as team leader. Rather think Aeris and Tifa were disappointed when I chose to travel with Barret instead of them (can hardly blame them); however, must make sacrifices for good of the party.

Spent ridiculously long time talking about my time with Sephiroth. Had to leave out the bits about his manly chest and emerald eyes, however, for fear that they could be misconstrued somehow.

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: Yes, it _would_ be unmanly._

_So you'd better not do it, then._

_Did I mention that I have chocolate body paint?_

_-Tifa_

---

**Post 6: **Have been forced to act as a soldier in order to cross the sea. Sweaty uniform disgusting, but enjoying proximity to so many other manly men. Am looking forward to our bonding session later.

Attempted to spy on others while talking in locker room, in hope of discovering important details; however, was so busy focusing on manly muscles of my comrades that I didn't remember what was said.

Probably not crucial.

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: ...were the _muscles_ crucial?_

_-Yuffie_

**Reply: **It's important for a manly man to know his opponents' bodies inside and out.

And that's what I am.

Manly.

-Cloud

---

**Post 7: **Have been to Costa Del Sol and Golden Saucer, escaped from prison, and defeated Turks; however, all I can feel is the burden of leadership. Have discovered it is v. difficult being manly and heroic when one has things like clothes, nails, mascara, and perfectly-positioned hair to consider.

Am halfway tempted to give leadership to somebody else; however, Barret would sacrifice me for good of the Planet, and Yuffie would sell us as slaves for materia.

Cait Sith a possibility?

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: Oh, Cloud, that would be _wonderful! _We could forget all about the Planet and just focus on _us!_ Forever!_

_I'll even steal Tifa's body paint for us to use!_

_-Aeris_

**Reply: **...sing Ho, for the saving of a Planet!

-Cloud

---

**Post 8: **Have discovered that my hometown of Nibelheim is apparently not destroyed. Was convinced that I was right; however, am no longer certain.

Contemplated possibility of having been completely mesmerised by Sephiroth and unaware of what was going on, but am unwilling to mention this to others, as am certain that Yuffie may have already been questioning my sexuality, and this may exacerbate problem.

(Am of course both manly and heterosexual, but others may not see it that way. Would happily prove heterosexual manliness with Tifa or Aeris at a moment's notice, but as I am leader, would be unfairly taking advantage.)

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: I hate to point this out, but I'm fairly sure that Yuffie stopped questioning anything in Costa Del Sol._

_-Red XIII_

---

**Post 9: **Aeris is dead.

Would have expected to feel manly anguish and grief, but am instead strangely relieved (and annoyed at new bloodstain on my clothes). Keep muttering 'one down, two to go' to self for no reason. Will avoid mentioning this to teammates, as it may result in unnecessary psychiatric help.

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: Oh, my God! You're in shock! Don't worry, darling! We can still communicate!_

_Our love just has to transcend the pleasures of the flesh from now on!_

_-Aeris_

**Reply: **That actually sounds strangely appea-

Er. I have to go stand guard. To make sure Sephiroth doesn't come back and kill more people. I'll be here if he does. Being manly. He won't be able to resist my onslaught.

-Cloud

---

**Post 10: **Have apparently been unconscious for v. long time, which explains lack of updates.

Tifa was apparently taking care of me, and she said I could thank her however I liked; however, she told me to go away when I brought her a large box of chocolates. Feel shocked. Always thought my understanding of women was excellent for someone so manly.

During my unconsciousness, we got a new airship. However, am not allowed to pilot it as Cid says, 'You'll &!in' crash it!' Think that Cid needs to be more secure in his masculinity.

(Also convinced that Vincent is v. definitely gay.)

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: -sings despondently-_

_There ain't no getting off on this train I'm on..._

---

**Post 11: **Told everyone to go home for a week, to work out their reasons for fighting. Planned to spend time looking at manly pictures of swords and guns and using my home manicure kits, but plans were disrupted by Tifa.

Was shocked when, in middle of an intense discussion re: Cid and Vincent, she tried to kiss me. Pushed her away and earnestly explained that I would be taking advantage; however, she was v. v. persistent. When I pushed her away for the third time, she stalked off, muttering that she never thought the rumours might be true.

What rumours?

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: All men attempt to conceal and repress the darker sides of their natures. I myself, in fact..._

_-Vincent_

**Reply: **You think I'm a vampire?

-Cloud

_Comment: What Vinnie _means, _Spiky, is that you're _gay.

_Or that _he's _gay._

_Or both._

_-Yuffie_

---

**Post 12: **Tifa no longer speaking to me or anybody else. Somewhat glad of this. Am currently in the North Crater, and must not be concentrating upon romantic entanglements. Very bad for focus.

Would like to reiterate manliness and heterosexuality. Others seem convinced of opposite, but if I defeat Sephiroth, that will be clear proof.

Have considered showing them my bikini briefs as proof, but again, could be taken the wrong way.

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: Don't worry, Cloud! I have faith in our love! It can defeat all obstacles!_

_-Aeris_

---

**Post 13: **Sephiroth now dead.

However, due to status as hero, despite clear manliness, have received approx. 2,000 solicitations from males, and only 13 from females. (Seven of aforementioned females thought they could convert me from 'homosexual way of life'.)

Have tried in vain to point out clear heterosexuality.

Am seriously considering priesthood.

**Current Mood: **Manly

_Comment: I don't think they'd even let you _in.

_-Yuffie_


End file.
